Parenting and Attachment

There are four common parenting styles; permissive-neglectful, permissive-indulgent, authoritarian, and authoritative. I was raised in a pretty permissive-indulgent house hold. Permissive-indulgent is described as parents set few limits or demands, but are highly involved and emotionally connected. I would say I had more demands put upon on me then the description makes it sound like but I knew what was right and wrong, and that things had consequences so I based my decisions off that. My parents have always been super supportive and right behind me in any decision I have ever made. My childhood was very different from almost everyone I grew up around, the major factor was that I was an only child so my parents only had to worry about me, but at the same time it looked like they didn’t care what I chose to do. They wanted me to be able to experience everything I could, whether it was good or bad, they always said learn from your experiences. This came a lot from my parents both being a lot older when they had me, my mother was 34 and my dad was 49. They both had to worked had for the things they had and wanted to make sure they could give me everything I ever wanted or needed, and with that there are life experiences. You don’t just need material things to grow and survive and me parents knew that. If my parents had been younger when they had me they wouldn’t have seen the struggle of trying to survive right out of high school on your own, working whatever job you could get. Life humbled them, in the best way possible. My parents are also just naturally free-spirited people and that showed a lot in my upbringing and also was a characteristic that has stuck with me, take life as it comes enjoy it take everything you can from it. I feel like you always hear people saying I'm going to be so different from my parents when I have kids. They feel like their parents did so much wrong to them growing up, but without them would you be where you are now, probably not. I personally think I would have very similar parenting styles that my parents had. They cared about me so much, I felt it all the time, you can tell by just how many photos they have of me as a child, I was insanely loved. I want my future child(ren) to feel how I felt growing up. I was rarely told no, and I know that sounds awful and I probably sound like I was a brat as a child, but I really wasn’t, you can ask my mother. If I was told no I knew there was a good reason why I couldn’t have what I asked for, I never tried to fight it, I knew no meant no and if I pushed it there would be more no’s in the future. My mom to this day will say “I don’t know how two such dysfunctional people (my mom and dad) were able to raise such a great child.” This may also just be her bragging about me because that’s what parents do. They were able to look at their flaws and try to steer me away from them. One of the biggest differences I feel like I would have with my parents is I would be a little stricter, I got away with a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, and once I knew I could I continued to do them, and looking back at it that was awful of me, but that’s a time in my life that I look back at and cringe out. There are so many things that my parents did right that I would follow though. They were always understanding, they always wanted to listen to me, and let me tell you I can talk and talk and talk, so that is a big one. They never wanted to hinder me in any way, if I wanted to try something they were always there to support me even if they knew I probably wasn’t going to be any good they always pushed me to be my best and try my hardest. (Maybe that’s why I'm an over achiever now and over commit myself to things)

I have always been close to my parents. I think that really comes from being an only child. I didn’t have any siblings to play with so I either had to play by myself of go with my parents. I typically went and played with my parents or near them. That also made me grow up a lot faster than other children I think. I was always around my parents and their friends, and because my parents were older so were there friends so there typically wasn’t anyone my age around, so I acted more mature than I usually was or what was typical for my age. This closeness and jump in maturity has had a lot of influence on who I am now, I still connect with people older than I am because that’s how it’s always been, but I do get along with my age group. The closeness with my parents is also a big factor on who I am now, I get really attached and connected to people which can be pretty bad sometimes because I rely on them more than I should, but it’s a characteristic that I know that I have so try to keep control of it, because no one likes the clingy annoying friend. (Me) I also just care too much about people, because my mom is an insanely caring person, she refers to herself as a doormat because she lets the people she cares about walk all over her because she doesn’t want to hurt them, and I realizing I am the same way. I just want to see people happy.

The video of how the baby would react when the mother would either enter the room or leave it was very interesting. I have personally seen many babies with this secure attachment to their parents, I was not one. I was very close to my parents and loved them but I did not know a stranger, ever. I could be left with anyone and would act like I had always know them, even as an infant. My mother was always surprised at how well I reacted to people as a baby. I rarely cried, and those were just in dire situations, and I was a super giggly baby. I can’t say I would fall under any of the categories of attachment, because I wasn’t distant from my parents, yes, I wouldn’t get upset when they left but I was always happy when they returned. I didn’t necessarily rely on them for security.

I personally think that if you have never had a secure relationship in your life you don’t really know what it feels like to have one, so if someone comes and says they love you and will always love you and care for you, you will latch on and never let go. They feel like they have finally found someone that cares about them, and they may never find it again. They become extremely attached and maybe even over protective. This just makes me think of an emotionally abusive relationship as well though because if you know that the other person has never felt secure in a relationship of any type and you have told them all these wonderful things to get them to be with you and stay, you aren’t helping them grow into a secure person because you will eventually let them down, because no one is perfect.